A Deep Darkness Called Depression

Written by: Emerline Margaret Jude

The struggle is Real

As a 16-year-old trying to cope with adolescence, all I wanted was to be seen and heard. My struggles for acceptance and love often took me down a dark road. I remember curling up on the bed, looking at the wall with my eyes shut tight, crying tears of pain. A dark and lonely emptiness was my constant companion and it seemed like there was no hope. The fear of admitting this feeling of loneliness to someone was even more terrifying. I was afraid that they might think that I was ungrateful for the perfect life I had and I would often question myself saying “Am I going crazy?”

This went on for a couple of years until one day it just got too much. I fell unconscious on the bedroom floor. The next thing I knew I was lying in a hospital, in between my lucid moments I heard the words of the doctor, “she has depression and insomnia.”

A Deep Darkness

Even after this meltdown, I constantly battled with phases of anxiety and depression. I was not eating well and my body got weaker and weaker by the day. My emotions were on a constant roller-coaster ride. and I almost felt like I was dying on the inside. Desperate for answers on why I felt this way, I searched. The first place I searched was within, “perhaps it’s because I changed schools,” I reasoned, or maybe it’s because I didn’t fit in with the “in-crowd.” I was also constantly bullied in my new school and I thought that this could also be a reason. Time depleted my confidence and I still had no answers to these questions that howled in my head. I couldn’t figure out my own emotions, but I was desperate for help.

The Light at the end of the tunnel

I was born and brought up in a loving Christian home. I knew Jesus but because I could not fully fathom the kind of healing and wholeness He could bring, I distrusted Him. Despite being taught that Jesus cares, my deep depression and darkness made me feel like He was blind to my pain. One night at a camp, I sat by myself feeling worthless as usual. I gazed at the sky asking God if He was hiding and why He wouldn’t help me? In my confused state, I heard a familiar voice behind me. She was a little older than me but she became my angel, my saving grace. As I started to open up to her about what I was going through she started to encourage and comfort me with words from the Bible. Of all the things she said the one thing that stood out to me was her encouragement to give my burdens to Jesus. It may seem a simple idea but the fact that someone would handle this heavy load that I was carrying suddenly seemed like an enormous relief. A weight seemed lifted off of my shoulders. I went home from that camp feeling like a new person.

Hope is Real

Recovery was a slow road for me and my healing continued for a few years. Through constant nurture from friends and others, I slowly started to regain my confidence, and being happy seemed more natural. I still had anxieties from time to time but I did not feel alone anymore. Somehow the knowledge that I had a burden bearer made me feel less depressed and I started to find answers to the questions that had troubled me for so long.

Depression can make you question everything about life, it can also distance you from ever finding truth and answers to the questions that go on in your head. But I want to assure you today that it is okay to feel what you are feeling – rejected, depressed, and alone. Resolve today to never let that feeling of hopelessness rule over you, always remember that you are precious in His sight. Your road to recovery from anxiety or depression may be long and dark, but always remember that Jesus is the light to the darkness in your soul. He helped me climb out of that deep darkness called depression and He can do the same for you too. 

The writer is not a clinically trained psychologist or counselor. These notes and suggestions have been written based on their own personal experience. If you need help, contact us by clicking the button below.