“I would go an extra mile to find a good counsellor for you.” I sighed with relief as my elder sister reassured me that I was making the right choice in dealing with my anxiety. All the pressure I had built up trying to come up with fake excuses to confide in my sister simmered down, but it still worried me that I was scared of having an open conversation about this with my parents. As much as I love them, I am also well aware of their perspective on certain “invisible” topics like mental health.
My Childhood years
The first question one might ask is, why seek help? or the follow-up question “did you have it “that bad” that you could not handle it by yourself?” or as some might ask, did you not trust God enough to get you through it? From my experience, I can say that you do not have to wait till you feel depressed or suicidal to realize that you need professional help. As a believer, I would also like to say that it is completely okay to get help when it is required as God cares about every aspect of you, especially your mental health. Healing ultimately stems from God and there is nothing wrong in reaching out for help in the process from the right sources.
Anxiety started for me in my teenage when I underwent a major surgery. Despite the support I received during recovery this phase of my life left me feeling anxious, scared, insecure and paranoid. I decided to overcome this by submerging myself in my academics in 12th grade. But the anxiety continued. Hormonal injections and medication was prescribed which led to weight gain thus further escalating my low self-esteem and self-confidence. I became highly insecure about my appearance and grappled with my identity. Somehow, I suppressed these thoughts with half-hearted prayers, and assumed that all of these feelings would go away but despite some highs the insecurities remained.
Since I was 16, I often had to listen to doctors and elders repeatedly tell me that I had to “marry early” to avoid “marriage problems”. This convinced me that I was a burden to my parents and led to self-destructive thoughts. I had no courage to admit to my friends that I was not okay. Excellence in academics did not solve my insecurity issues and despite my involvement in church I knew my “chirpy” exterior was not real.
Am I Crazy?
Everything started getting even more triggered than before once I had more time to be alone during the pandemic. The loneliness overwhelmed me and my close friends started to visibly see an increase in my bouts of anxiety. At one point I did not even know what was wrong with me, if it was anxiety, claustrophobia, physiologically exhaustions, palpitations or panic attacks. It started affecting my regular routine, even as I tried to distract myself by immersing myself in one activity or another. Everything came crashing down when I had a falling out with a friend. What could be seen as a possible “suitationship”, primarily emotional, left me feeling even more helpless, disgusted, stupid, ashamed, guilty, confused, dubious, unloved, and angry.
I struggled to comprehend the situation and directed all the anger towards myself and was yet again driven to a spiral of self-destructive thoughts and manners multiple times. I was beyond blessed to have a little circle of friends, who stood by me through all of it and reminded me of God’s love even when I could not do it for myself. Within the next two months, all my previously repressed memories hit me like a ton of bricks. I simultaneously moved away from my home to pursue my higher studies and these drastic changes furthered my anxiety.
Getting Real
I had a room to myself that gave me ample space and time to have everyday breakdowns. Isolation and detachment became needed coping mechanisms. Trust issues loomed over my life and I started to lose the will to care and be kind to others. I spent several nights crying out to God, asking if I would ever stop feeling this way.
A close friend who had seen this for a few months now suggested therapy. She knew I was trying to actively process my emotions but it only became a toxic cycle as I lost myself more and more in it. My sister found a Christian faith-based counsellor and I surprised myself by opening myself up in my first session itself. I was a complete mess in the first session as I tried telling her what I was struggling with. My counsellor very gently told me that all of these situations though they had occurred at different times were interconnected. Every week, I opened up even more and reflected and wrote down answers for various questions that were given to me to discuss in the upcoming weeks. This part of the process gave me clarity. Alongside reflection, my counsellor encouraged me to take up journaling, indulge in some timely self-care and provided some fantastic quotable quotes to remind me of the importance of the process. I gradually learnt that forgiving myself is an essential step to stop self-hatred and harm. I identified triggers that spiked my anxiety. I learnt that I can never entirely control everything in my life all the time and that is okay. I even found a possible tactic to deal with my overthinking tendencies that has helped a lot!
The Light at the end of the Tunnel
Every session brought me closer to God. My counsellor beautifully pointed me towards Christ and His love that remained at all times. I should acknowledge that even when I was in therapy, I continued to have breakdowns, but I knew it was a part of my healing process. What matters in those instances is to run towards God to pour your heart out in humility and reverence seeking strength to get back up. I could see how God was placing back the broken pieces one by one. All of this helped me become more honest with God about everything. Every sigh, tear, and doubtful nod I took to God and held on.
Remember, more than anything, you are getting help to become a better authentic version of yourself. All of our problems are not sorted out in therapy but we can learn how to deal with them better, as a professional guides you in the process. Conversations, not monologues, are key in this process.
I am aware that many people do not get the opportunity to get help easily at all, and I am thankful to God for providing me with the right people who continuously helped me in this process. Just realize that it is okay to not be okay, but it is not okay to not be okay all the time. So, seek help as soon as soon as you can because getting help, helps.
Author name kept confidential on request
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