How I overcame Porn

What started as curiosity later became a controlling factor that riddled her with guilt. Read one girl’s struggle from porn to freedom.

It all began with curiosity

Being the curious human being I was, and given the sudden and uninhibited access to the Internet, I had typed “pornography” into the web browser’s search box—the worst impulse of my life so far. The plethora of possibilities initially surprised me. A list of do-ables was before my eyes and blowing my mind. The secrecy was exhilarating. I was 20 at the time, very late to the party and the FOMO (fear of missing out) was very real. And thus, it started. From a simple search, it went to an elaborate mixing up of searches, finally, to watching, and eventually, doing. I had never in my wildest thoughts anticipated the guilt that followed me day and night. I ignored it and indulged in more of what wasn’t the best for me.

Today I’m beyond amazed at the way things began. I’ve read that “The wages of sin is death,” and I did indeed die a thousand times over in these ten years.

Ten years of feeling empty

Some justify all things sex as something to be accepted because it’s a natural tendency of humans to incline towards the carnal. I, too, did the same. Like every other girl who grew up as a goody-two-shoes, I sought out justifications and reasons to continue my exploration into pornography. It was an avenue as wide and as twisted as an imaginative mind could conceive, and I am ashamed, beyond what words can express, at how much I enjoyed putting permutations and combinations of words into the search box of the incognito tab in the dark of the night for ten long years. However, dread was, slowly, creeping up on me.

What I lost

Did I lose my innocence to my curiosity? Yes!

Did I lose my peace of mind to my overriding guilt? Yes!

Did I lose my sense of worth? Yes! Yes!

I lost my innocence to my curiosity because what I had discovered on the internet, and what paraded itself as pleasure had caused me nothing more than mental trauma and added to my loss of self-worth. It made me question if I was worthy of true love – love that supersedes the physical. Thankfully Jesus says that I am worthy.

In the Bible Jesus tells the story of a son who went far away from his father. He betrayed his father’s trust and lost all of his inheritance to wild living. But years later when he hit a tough spot he understood where his real worth lay – it lay in his father’s arms, he was the prodigal son. I was the prodigal son for ten years, I had strayed far away from God just like him, I finally saw my acts for what they were—dirt, filth, muck, a sore pain to the ones I loved and especially an insult to the genuine nature of the God on whom I still somehow believed in. I understood that what I conceived as curiosity had turned into something so much more. So, when I finally came back to my senses, I realized that I needed help – help from above.

Help from Above

It took me a while to get on the right track, the road was hard and far too often the temptation to slip back was there.  Like someone waking up from a bad dream, and finding oneself securely tucked inside a warm blanket on a cold winter night, I slowly felt God’s warm embrace again. I was unworthy of that love in every minute of my sin, but that lavish, overwhelming realization of God’s love and grace put my anxiety to rest and killed my guilt slowly and steadily.

If you had seen me twelve years ago, caught in the web of pornographic content, you would never have realized my transgression. I am not a good fibber, or an actor, and I would have ‘fessed up’ the second you had asked me a direct question about this habit of mine.

Sadly, nobody did. I told many, in jest, about my knowledge of the online world of sex. Many knew I was more aware of things than was expected from a church-going, unmarried, twenty-year-old woman from a good family, but nobody confronted me, or even asked me how I knew so many things. No matter how much we justify it as an exploration of one’s sexuality, something inside feels wrong all the time and it is when we listen to this feeling that we get on the road to recovery.

Road to Recovery

I am blessed to have people who have loved me beyond my habit and helped me deal with the perils of pornography. My family of mentors, and friends who are faithful Christians have helped me stay true in the fight against my weakness. They have prevented me from breeding sin by keeping me accountable and I’ve realized that the more I confess out loud to a non-judgmental, loving community, the easier it becomes for me to absolve myself in my own heart. The taboo surrounding this addiction is something that we as a society have to get over. We need to reach out consciously and be open minded to helping out those who maybe struggling to break out of this habit

Above all I understand that God loves me through it all, it is what keeps me going and striving towards complete freedom. Today, I’m blessed to have reached this place of recovery. It’s a long road ahead, but I’m not alone, and that makes my journey something to look at and say, “Yes, you deviated from the path, but God has kept you from staying derailed. Thanks be to God!”

Name withheld to protect the privacy of the writer. If you would like to share your story contact us by clicking the button below.